Systemic Lupus Ery

A few weeks ago my best friend from high school, "Big Bad John Friedrich, who died in Westfield, New York, after a battle of 19 years with Huntington's disease, a devastating disease of the central nervous system that is hereditary.

During my junior and senior years, John and I sang together in a folk group, we started called the brakeman. John was five feet two, so we called him "Big Bad John."

It was a natural comedian and whenever we have achieved, we have figured prominently in the skits that we acted on between songs. He always kept our audience (and us) in stitches.

Later, John made his love of theater in community theater where he played in dozens of productions. These include the comedy, "You're a good man, Charlie Brown" in which he plays the title role. Charlie Brown has become his signature role as John because, like Charlie Brown, had a very big heart.

It was nearly 40 years since John married his high school sweetheart, Lexie Enders. She knew at the time he had one in two chance of inheriting Huntington's father. Lexie said she loved John so much that if she had known with certainty that he was destined to get Huntington's, she would have married anyway.

Their marriage was to remember. To be sure, John and Lexie had much in common. Both were a small town primary school teachers who have shaped the lives of hundreds of children. Both loved the hills of western New York and the shores of Lake Erie. Both were active in their church and community.

However, what makes John and Lexie so attractive as a couple was their proximity to each other. Over the years, their marriage has been the envy of all who knew them. They had a deep connectivity that continued throughout their life together, including last month's John when communication between them was very limited.

Lexie I asked if she wanted to try to explain what makes it such a couple and John close for so many years. Here are some excellent ideas and some tips from me.

1. Insight: "We have done our best to love unconditionally."

John and Lexie refused to dwell on each others weaknesses. Instead, they focus on the strengths of each and loved unconditionally.

Tip: Make a list of endearing qualities of your partner and then read it aloud to your partner.

Elaborate on each quality and give examples of times when the quality has come to shine. Tell your partner, "I love you just as you are."

2. Insight: "We have supported and validated the interests of everyone."

John loved to act. Lexie did not, but it has helped make possible acting for John. She only took care of their two daughters, Kristina and Shondra, during evenings and weekends many when John was away at rehearsals and performances. When a show open, Lexie has always been in the audience cheer John on. She was his biggest fan.

Tip: Offer to do something specific that will help your partner to pursue a personal passion.

A husband that I knew took on additional tasks around the house while his wife could pursue her dream, excelling in horsemanship.

3. Insight: "When making decisions, we considered some of the other views."

They do not always agree on everything. However, when John and Lexie disagreement and a decision should be made, they have carefully weighed each other views.

Tip: Next time you and your partner must make a decision and you disagree, find a part of the position of your partner that you can subscribe.

Recognize and affirm that connection.